relationships  love
 

More things to make you smile!

Seeing eye dog.

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The Chihuahua guy replies, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
"Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on dark glasses, then walks in.

The maitre d' stops him, "Excuse me sir, but there are no pets allowed."
The Doberman guy explains, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The maitre d' questions, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good and offer great protection."
The maitre d' seems satisfied and lets him in.

The Chihuahua guy figures, "What the heck," so he puts on his dark glasses and starts to walk in. "I am very sorry but we do not allow pets."


The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The maitre d' asks suspiciously, "A Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?"
"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?!"


How To Impress...

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.

Political Sysytems.

Socialism: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to
someone else.

Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and
gives you milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you
milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. State takes both of them, kill one
and spill the milk in system of sewage.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

 If You Love Someone . . . 
 

Shakespeare:
 if you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she ever comes back, she's yours,
 If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicideyourself for her.
 
 Optimist:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....
 Don't worry, she will come back.
 
 Suspicious:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she ever comes back, ask her why.
 
 Impatient:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
 
 Patient:
 IF you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
 
 Playful:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....*
 If she comes back, and if you love her still,set her free again, repeat
 
 *C++ Programmer:
 if(you-love(m_she))m_she.free()if(m_she == NULL)m_she= new CShe;
 
 Lawyers:
 If you love someone,Set her free,Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....
 
 Bill Gates:
 If you love someone,Set her free,
 If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
 
 Biologist:
 If you love someone,Set her free, She'll evolve.
 
 Statisticians:
 If you love someone, Set her free,
 If she loves you, the probability of her comingback is high
 If she doesn't, the Weibulldistribution and your relation was improbable anyway.
 
 Salesman:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she ever comes back, deal!
 If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".
 
 Schwarzenegger's fans:
 If you love someone,Set her free,
 SHE'LL BE BACK!
 
 Insurance agent:
 If you love someone,Show her the plan ....
 If she ever comes back, sign her up,If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!
 
 Physician:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
 If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angleof collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.
 
 Mathematician:
 If you love someone,Set her free ....
 If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where cis the infinite constant of no turning point.
 
 Nowadays' style:
 If You Love Someone,Set it free,
 If It Comes Back, It is Yours
 If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!!
 
 OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL
 
 If you love someone
 WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???CARELESS IDIOT!!!


 

 

Meeting The Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend

Golf or Me?

This guy is stranded on a desert island for ten years, all alone. One day, out of the surf comes this voluptuous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. 

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" 
"TEN Years" he cries. 
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes and a lighter. He takes a cigarette, lights it ... takes a long drag and says, "Wow. Man OH Man! Is that ever good!" 

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whisky?" 
Again, he replies, "Ten Years!!" 
She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "WOW! That's fantastic!!!" 

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper running down the front of her wet suit and says, "And, how long has it been since you've played a round?" 
And the man replies, "MY GOD!! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there

Little old Lady

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. She came back with her cat and they sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies-one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog and was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poop."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"


Liar!

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.

 He says to his secretary, 'Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud.' Puzzled, the secretary complies.

 When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, 'I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up late, and came right home.

 The woman looks down at his shoes and says, 'You liar, you've been out playing golf again!

Cabby mothers.

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City, and the daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street. "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?" 

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work," the somewhat embarrassed mother answered.

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" yelled the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?" "Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?" 

Tough Mice

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

 

Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

 

A Ride Home

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"


Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

 

Overcrowded Heaven

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

Access To Heaven

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

Lawyer Hater

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

 

Creation of Man

God created the mule, and told him, " You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, " You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, " Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, " You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, " Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, " You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...
------------------------------------

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

 
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