Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married.
Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"
The second guy replies, "You were right, your wife is better."
Sexist Jokes: Men
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife isn't!"
Bad Pun Jokes:
Question: How Do You Catch a Bear?
Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes. Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Old Age Jokes
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted,
"Coldwater, get your butt out of the way"!
Essentially complete... Means:
It's half done.
We predict ... Means:
We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached...
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified...
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review...
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time...
Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements...
See previous answer.
Not well understood...
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention...
Totally out of control!
Results are promising...
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.
What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:
1) The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?
2) You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.
3) Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.
4) What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.
5) I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.
6) I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.
7) Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?
8) The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.
9) The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?
10) Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?
11) You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office, if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.
Mostly New Bumper Stickers:
=> Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
=> Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
=> If You Drink Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
=> Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
=> If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
=> You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
=> This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
=> Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
=> If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
=> The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
=> Illiterate? Write For Help
=> Cover Me -- I'm Changing Lanes
=> I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
=> Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
=> Cat: The Other White Meat
=> Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde!
=> Don't Be Sexist -- Broads Hate That
=> Warning! Driver Only Carries $20 In Ammunition
Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?"
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "
So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby'skiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
Digging up the garden!
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
"Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad."
A few days later he received a letter from his son.........
"Dear Dad, For HEAVEN'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS! Love, Bubba."
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
Calories that Don't Count
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"
Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."
Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last