Longterm relationship secrets.
Are you still in love?
Remember that tingling feeling when you met, the total abandonment, total bliss. The goose bumps, the sexual desire, the touching caressing and kissing. Do you still have it, or is it just a memory?
Relationships go through stages. They all start off with a rose tinted outlook and assumption of total everlasting romantic bliss. Then something happens – the shine seems to have gone. Yet this is completely normal.
It’s not your fault, blame your brain.
Did you know that there are scientifically observed brain function changes relating to the stages of a love relationship or marriage. And they differ between men and women! If couples do not accept and learn to adapt to the changing stages of a relationship, a breakup can occur, and is sometimes even predictable.
Women and men are different.
OK we know that, but their brains are also wired differently. They respond differently to the same stimuli. At some deeper level, they are designed to differ.
This often causes conflict, misunderstanding and stress. Accepting this fact, takes you along way toward working with nature on this one, rather than against it. This can be the key to making love last a lifetime.
Lets start by looking at the stages of a relationship, what they are, how they make you feel and how you can get the best out of them.
- The Romantic stage.
When two lovers meet, their whole beings seem to melt into each other. They fall in love, reality gets cast aside, and their brains seem to synchronize. They feel excited, buoyant and flushed, physically, emotionally and mentally.
Their bodies actually release certain chemicals (like pheromones), which stimulate their senses to bring them together, arouse them and cause a very real tingling feeling, strengthening the union. The smell of each other, looking into each others eyes, a glancing touch, all heighten this euphoria. It is as if their minds want to melt into one and unite.
A bonding hormone, oxytocin appears in high levels, masking the realization of any imperfections, and blocking our brains from acknowledging these or any other irritating behavior in our partner. We go through a time of “lovers bliss”, possibly the greatest feeling on earth!
Unfortunately, the chemical and mental upswing stabilizes. The euphoria gets replaced by common sense and the relationship now enters the next stage: Disillusionment……
After a certain time, ranging from a few months, to a year or so, our hormones and brain chemistry adapt and change back to a more analytical and thinking brain. The cerebral cortex takes over control of our thoughts again and reality takes on a new look.
All of a sudden, that cute behavior in our partner is an irritating trait. The lovable little mole is actually seen as a physical imperfection. A different set of yardsticks is being used to evaluate the score of the partner. Now we feel irritation, sometimes even anger, not just towards our partner, but towards ourselves for being in the situation we are in. For not having seen the “obvious”, for allowing ourselves to be conned, even for cheating ourselves.
Just like the euphoria of the falling in love stage was unrealistically high, this feeling of resentment can reach unnaturally high levels. We start to question everything we are doing, at every level, and in some cases drive ourselves to misery. The blame is quite squarely placed on the relationship. We are angry, we got mislead.
Well we might have been, but we are the ones that did most of the misleading, either ourselves, or our partner. We are having second thoughts, we feel trapped. We have stopped communicating on that deeper level, sharing the very thoughts and feelings that made this relationship special in the beginning.
We believe that our partner has changed. They are not who we committed to, they are different. Yes, they are, but so are you. By now, life has also got in the way, with children, career, stress, finances, all playing their part.
The bottom line is, you are miserable and don’t really know what to do. After a while, you know something must give, so you try something. Assuming that you are still totally committed to your relationship, we now enter the next stage: The
fight for supremacy……….(next issue)
Joke of the week:
Bad Pun Jokes:
Question: How Do You Catch a Bear?
Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes. Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Man: “What do I have to give you for one little kiss?”