Longterm relationship secrets.
3. The fight for supremacy.
When there is a feeling of dissatisfaction or disillusionment in a certain situation, a power struggle usually ensues. Some party wants to be right, to justify what they are doing, to control what happens from hereon, to make them more happy. In a relationship, they will try to recreate the person that they thought they fell in love with. In this way counteracting the chemical normalization that occurred in the partner. they want to get back to that romantic stage feeling. The partner needs to be changed back to being who they were perceived to have been at that initial stage.
The problem is, that they may never have been that person, but were only perceived to have been an certain way, due to the chemical imbalance in the observer. So this means that you are embarking on a “mission impossible”. When no results are achieved, this is often the end of the relationship.
As they say “Another one bites the dust“
A man and woman still in love and engaged in such a struggle, will have the added difficulty of the male female, brain structure difference. Men and women act, think and love in their own unique way. This can be a painful time, yet the differences in brain “structure” can be the very secret to a long term happy relationship- if you understand them.
The hormones of testosterone (for the man) and estrogen (for the woman) have probably reached a stabilized level now. They will cause certain habits and tendencies to dominate the natural behavior of the person again.
For the woman, it is a need for more female bonding, while for the man it is usually a need for independence. These are “normal” socially expected and accepted gender roles. Fighting this, is therefore unnatural and stressful.
The problem is the difference in perception between the male and female as to what is bonding and independence, and what is relationship neglect. What is normal, and what is construed as non caring behavior. You need to accept that
at a deeper biological level, there are these differences of perception and acceptance.
This is the stage where we are trying to turn back the clock. Get back to the initial “in love” feelings. But the universe does not work that way. Time moves on, things change, we progress and learn. When one of the partners stops accepting this, and demands a status of non change, there is trouble brewing.
We know that there will be change. We know that there will be a return to a normalization of hormones and emotions. Plan for this to happen, and plan how this will fit into the long term relationship. Plan and negotiate this together as a couple and you will be surprised at the results.
You need to basically rediscover your partner at this stage, see them for what they have become in the relationship, which leads us to the next phase:
Although probably not quite as exciting as the initial romantic falling in love stage, this phase can be very fulfilling. You need to awaken to your partner as they really are. You rediscover the great things about them that attracted you in the first place. And you use this knowledge to build the relationship.
Many couples don’t realize that the initial overbearing closeness was in part to blame for the stage of disillusionment that they reached shortly thereafter. You see by being so close, you actually throttled each others individuality. In effect a new entity, a combination of the two of you was formed, with its own characteristics. this combined the best attributes of both of you, and ignored the not so great ones. Unfortunately they were still there however. And now is the time to discover the total package you fell in love with. Sure there are some aspects that might not be the most perfect , but then no-one is perfect.
Unless some of the traits are really way beyond what you can accept (like murder, rape etc), realize that these not so perfect (in your eyes) attributes are what shaped the overall package you fell in love with to what they are now. Trying
to remove them, could detrimentally alter the lovable things about your partner as well.
Acceptance is the keyword here. For instance, the man may see his ladies’ need for being emotional and touchy as a waste of time and over the top. While at the same time she may see his preoccupation with work or a hobby as selfish.
The couple now realizes that they have been suffocating each other and now need to step back a little to let each others individuality come out. They must in fact separate a little psychologically. We are not talking divorce, just a little pulling away, so that the times spent together are true quality time again.
A man might just step back when his wife does something he doesn’t agree with. A woman might just agree with her man, for the sake of peace, not really understanding why he is doing what he is doing.
In the end, they are both right.The man needs his independence to feel worthwhile, the woman needs the togetherness as a reason for the relationship. Now they need to work out the levels that each one would accept and find sufficient, the level of comfort and benefit that validates the relationship.
Being too far away from each other (and that amazing blissful love at the beginning of the relationship) will cause the relationship to die. On the other hand, stifling each other by being too close so that our individualities are crushed will also lead to unhappiness and stress. So understanding this and realizing that there are difference, is already a step in the right direction, and can long term happy relationship………………..
5. Long term happy relationship.
This is when a state of contented balance is achieved. Here the partners acknowledge each others individuality, yet have significant benefits by being in the relationship together. There is intimacy whilst the partners still maintain their own individuality.
The relationship works, not only because of closeness, but also because of acceptance of separateness. There is no need for a struggle for supremacy, because you acknowledge the right to be different and have different opinions.This way you can concentrate on maintaining and improving the whole of the relationship, and not just the persons making up the relationship. The most powerful attitude to have here is “what’s best for the relationship, not what’s best for me” A sense of being reasonable does have to prevail of course. So be happily different and share a happy relationship. Here’s what to do………..(next issue)
Keep on loving
Joke of the week:
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood
bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied,
“Some things you just can’t explain.” ”
So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next
to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket.” “Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the
farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked
over the bucket.”
Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer
replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
“Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the
farmer said. “So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain!